OK. so i know these things have really passed by but i think its fair to say i really need to do this AHA.
plus i'd like to mention some pretty important people in my life and some shit that has gone down real far-
so here we gooooooo--the beginning:
So when i first joined deviantart- it was more so for the ability to look at art. I have had another account before- but i never used it, nor did i really do anything with it. I would come on occasionally, like some art then go play outside with my cousins or something like that- Wait did i say outside? yeah im just that funny aha.
A lot of the time when i would get on, it was just at my cousins house, particularly because i really had no reason to be on DA when i spent most of the time on youtube watching stupid videos like stick figures on crack, spongebob, sonic, and mario youtube poops, character AMV'S such as sonic, pokemon, and other retarded things i used to do.
Let me remind you these were the years of 4-6th grade. Good god i hated myself so much back then. Flipnote Hatena Influence
Oh my god this is where it really fucking began let me tell you.
Getting my first dsi (its pink and i regret nothing. it currently has a "youruglyface.com" sticker on the top its my childhood LOL.) and loving the shit out of that thing. Playing my games AND having internet access- thank jesus. In 7th grade when i originally got my first dsi, i had no intetion of learning about flipnote or anything- and more so it just sort of popped up. But when i had downloaded the application and tried it out- i had no fucking clue what i was doing. what did all these pages do? 2 layers?? yanno. newbie fucking questions. Of course being the loner and annoying kid nobody fucking liked, i had to learn all on my own. When i actually made a flipnote account, i was opened up to the world of animations. Of course these werent grade A animations- but there was some pretty cool shit dude. My first account on flipnote was called Solaris (if i remember correctly- given i was super into sonic at the time and sonic 06's cutscenes put all into one movie were godly to me at the time. Thus getting the name from the final boss whos theme was always my favorite.) And i started my account with doing things that would perfect my art style. Like lots of other people- i started with scene dog/wolf oc's. My very first character was a divine wolf named Rainshadow. I was very clever (in my opinion) about how her name came along. Science had actually been my favorite class in 7th grade, and there is a process mountains go through and rainshadow is a process that happens. (vague memory here, shoot me dead if im wrong.) And dear lord did i love her. Thank god for flipnote having so many fucking wolf memes for me to practice on.
This is her from more recent times- but i still have all the old art of her from 7th grade- but lets not go any farther. Its gross.
Meme's and bases are nice and all- but the more people i began to watch make awesome animations such as
's- dear have mercy on my soul, she was my fucking inspiration. I always felt really happy and motivated when i saw her drawings, and let me just say boom and kirby will always be my fuckin OTP. They are the cutest and boom needs to get his head out of his ass and claim that girl. I need that in my life. //LAUGHS.
This is around the time i had created PC, my shiny lugiasona who was inspired by another animator i watched by the name of Guap$. Alejandro, iggy, and- really my very first online friend who is the amazing artist
go check her out- her art has come so damn far and she really deserves the attention- she is also an amazing animator.) tbh we became friends pretty quick. She was super nice and didn't mind my constant pestering about random things,,, ming flees honey, XDD.
It was probably jusy my clingyness, but she was just someone who was super chill with talking to me, and i really liked it. Me and her still talk a bit to this day, i sometimes wish we were still that close aha.
this is my loser and what he looked liked.
This was also about the time i met my little shit
- to be honest, i had no idea how me and that fag right there became friends. It just sort of happened. And im glad it did. He really did help me through a lot, but we also did kind of fight a lot- which was a downside. When we would talk, we would always try to one up another, argue about completely stupid things, and go on hiatus's from talking to one another, often ending up in an apologetic mess. But im glad we are friends. Lately we've just been great and shit man. He's a great guy and i hope we stay friends. You sarcastic little fuck. <3
About the time of when i was getting a good grasp of flipnote, i was getting the idea of getting a new account...but the complications of that was that my current flipnote account were attached to that certain dsi- so for christmas i got a special edition mario anniversary dsi XL, which i hold very close to my heart. Its probably an item i cherish as my as my phone- which happens to be my comfort item. i need to know where it is at all times. it currently resides on my night stand next to my bed- But anyways. When making this new account, that was about the time i created Jolt. Oh god my beautiful dragon wolf girl- i cant help but hold her close to my heart- she is what really put me in the furry perspective of things. (been furry since birth and im never gonna stop <3) Thus began my new and freh account of Jolt-aris (i ended up as solaris again aha im stupid.) Jolt was created because well- i wanted to start new- and pc and rainshadow just would bring back stuff i didnt want. Soi made this fursona. Jolt has always been a changing entity of me, changing from my sexuality, how i anted to look, pretty much anything. She started out as a wolf that wore red and gray camo pants with god aweful dumbo ears on fucking steroids.
Gross. but thats what she looked like.
She changed so much from back then- and has gone through many many changes. She went from a wolf, to a jolteon, to something else that i cant remember, and now resides as a creature i created called a wiker. half dragon half wolf.
Since i had left my old account, i had left people i knew behind as well. Seeing that they were movie on, and i really had nothing to do with them anymore- nor did i feel i was in the right place to be talking to them. it was my fault we didnt talk. So when i moved to this new account, i met the wonderful
- and good god did we have some great fucking times. We were inseparable. We became sisters in an instant. It just....clicked yanno. I met remi bby from my friend recommending her to me over flipnote, andi met mist through her. Those were some of the hppiest days of my life in all honesty. We would make little animations of the shit we talked about in the shitty comments/chats you could make- and lord i loved those days. Hnnnnng. Mist sadly would go on hiatus or something similar, and we often wouldnt hear from her a lot. Me and remi becme closer, and we were finger tied with one another, and swore we didnt need anyone else but each other, and wanted to keep it that way. we would always be there if one needed comforting, if one needed to talk- anything. you name it, we were there as much as we could over the internet. Sadly things dont stay that way. She began to get on flipnote less and less, and so far, i had no interesting or thought of going to deviantart- but when i was told she could talk to me easier there, that was what really pulled me back to this place.
Someone else who importantly popped up was
. oh my god. Girl we really need to talk more- but holy shit we were like BAM BITCH WE ARE GONNA WRECK YOUR SHIT. i remember her coming to an animation i made and commenting- and it shot off from there. We talked for days on end, making animations for one another, talking over the phone for god knows how long, and leaning on one another- she was/is my little sister. Not by blood- but she is protected by me. No matter what- i will be her armor. She has always needed me, and i will always be there for her. I love her as family, and will be damned if i forget how much we have created together. just remember that my dear sister. Getting the hang of Deviantart and real life issues
Now this was probably a hard time in my life- not saying i havent had any others, but especially this time around. While yes- i had some people to talk with over the intetnet...i was...rather alone. In reality, i wasn't interesting. people looked at me funny, they called me fat, ugly, lesbian, hippo, and push me out of any circles i was in. I remember a friend i had since 4th grade tell me they were sick of seeing my face, and being with me in public because of how unpopular i was, and how much i annoyed them. Im not exactly the one with the most confidence, nor will i say i have the self-esteem of a steel wall. Because i dont. So hearing these things, and being so alone really affected me. Hell, by the 4th grade i was suicidal, and i wanted to die. Over the course of 4th grade to now, i have attempted or contemplated suicide 5-6 times. I was always left alone to my own, thus there is no one to tell me stop or you're being an idiot.
i actually drew this the day of one of my suicide was supposed to happen, and my mom happened to walk in and see the "im not worth any tears" on my ms paint drawing here, and talk it out with me. That being the reason i didn't attempt, and seeing the bigger picture of how fucking selfish and cowardly i was being.
After that, my mom had me on prescription anti-depressants for a long time- really over the course of a year or two- Going into high-school, i was prepared for it to be the same as the rest of these school years- shut out. lonely. Ignored. called harsh names- things of such...And for a while i was. Yes of course, i had one or two close friends (such as katrina. lord have mercy on you, you beautiful creature. i fucking love you <3) we were two peas in a pod, and it was awLys us for a long time. For a while, my art was one of those things i drew as soon as i got home, hopped on the computer, and proceed to lose myself in the world of mouse drawings in paint. aND I LOVED IT. Getting into devianart started with that jolt picture above- thus began my journey.
Freshman year of highschool was the roughest for me. Got out of school suspension for 9 days, constantly up at the office for doing stupid things a scrub would do mang- i was hanging with the wrong people at this time in my life. And i was pretty much accepting the fact that was going to be fake for the rest of my life to actually have friends. I cant tell you how many times i've had people try and stay friendw tih me or just get up and leave because of how much i just didn't act like myself in public. I have always tried to blend in with the crowd, and i often broke a lot of hearts in the process- but it happened to me? so why couldn't i do it too? But not much did i realize that i was only making myself more and more lonely. I was pretty much going to just drop out of highschool that year and go live on the streets. Internet life was boring, real life was boring adn i felt i had no importance in it- no told me other wise. So why believe other wise right? I accepted the fact i was kind of a rebel child, and that i o nly wanted to do what i wanted- and that meant living with the alone title. plus the fact that i told one of my friends that week i was going to pull suicide, nd he told me bluntly with a shrug "ok, go ahead."
While being in this funk, i had stopped drawing completely. I didnt find joy in it. i forgot how. there was nothing about drawing that made me feel satisfied like it used to. My depression hit once again. I would lay in my room, cry, and refuse to eat. I didnt want anything. i just wanted to die. I wanted to be forgotten. I remember walking home from school one time, and while crossing the main road to get home, i had prayed and hope that i would be hit by a fucking bus or giant diesl truck. I wanted to just die alright. i was sick of life in general, and there was no light in it at all- i was past my breaking point.
Until the end of freshman year.
That was the day i met
. How we met was actually very interesting- We actually had a foreign language contest (i guess?) and we more so started off as "ur the girl from that day who talked with me in german" ...yeah. and thts when our friendship really started. Again, we clicked almost immediately- speaking that we both were into homestuck, pokemon, drawing, anime- lots of stuff! And thats when i really started carving my outer-self, and not giving a fuck about how others saw me. All because of this one person, i started becoming who i wanted, and i honestly didn't care. We would hang out after school, watch stupid things on youtube, build ships together, and just have long conversations about- really anything. Just do what friends do yanno..? We have been moirail's for a while now- and for some odd reason i can't just shake you away- that says something yeh? haha dont ever leave my side you little fuck. or you'll get some words of "wisdom." ya hear? hehe.
hey guess who else i needed to include? Dats rite girl. DATS RITE UR IN HERE TOO. DAMN SKIPPY. me and this precious child here are like best buddies- originally it started with her ex and i interacting from both of us being bronies, and she happened to be sitting with him- luckily i was able to break the silence between all of us 3, and she and i became very close friends! We still hang out to this day even if she is out of high-school and such- but its always nice to remember about the silly things we talked about at lunch- and just going off about ideas and the buizel bros and how they wuld have some crazy shit go on- and i def want to always see your doodles and sketches- its nostalgic and i love seeing your ideas- very motivating- its just nice to be able to chill and talk about things like that. I do miss hanging out at lunch with you, but im glad we stay in touch.
These days were during sophomore year...and thats when i really began to shove art out. I would post things i drew on almost a daily basis, and was out of my funk of not wanting to draw at all.this was my homestuck year. And the year i met the wonderful
- oh man did we hit it off awkwardly. She was such an introvert towards me, and really didnt know how to handle my loud, obnoxious exterior- But like my awesome and manly charms do, she eventually became my triangle faggot. We are currently best bros still- AND NIGGA WE AINT GONNA STOP. Man we had so much fun my sophomore year. We had choir class together, and we were such shits. Me and morgan are stuck like glue man. we were always up for listening to one another if we needed to speak, rant, or just hang out on the sidewalk of her apartment and stare at the sky. (we do this now but it includes lOTS OF YELLING AND HIGH OF LAUGHTE RJHKGNKJHGNK SWAG AMN)- but no seriously. me and morgan are basically the type of people who have a sleep over, say we are going to bed at 1 am, and end up talking for another 5. im not joking either. we were up for that long once. i swear.....
Sophomore year was great all in general- school was pretty easy- and i didnt have many worries. Rp groups
THIS IS YOUR FAULT
YOU SHOWED ME MUTANT REFUGEE
in a happy way of course <3
Well you seen it there friends, because of that little shit, i am in many rp groups- but the beginning of junior year in highschool was the peak man. This is when it AL L BE GAN
And it started with this fag right here man
this gu y- Felix u dont deserve tori.
WOMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING AHAHA
anyways- this was probably the best choice i have EVER made. Joining RK was like taking a giant breathe of fresh air of internet life- and meeting so many great people- but also allowing my art style to grow so fucking much. Back from flipnote it was chibi and not very detailed- and to now an anime style that forced me to be more anatomically correct?- well fuck man lets keep it going.
I honestly was happy when i joined RK, being more nervous than anything- how do groups work first of all? i've always only rp'd person on person- so when i joined there was some trouble of how turns went //gomen for that//- i had to learn, but everyone there was open-minded, and very helpful.
this beautiful fuck right here- met him through that group.
let me tell you- he is probably the closest person in my life in the current moment. i cant tell you how much he means to me, but ill just say he is high up there, and i have no idea why we couldn't have become friends earlier- ming. //laughs at my awkwardness in large ggroups haaha// but he has really been there for me for a while now- and that day at my gran dmas house really set the bar of how much we needed one another. Our voice chats are probably one of the best things, and i always look forward to them when you ask, and i just love being able to communicate and talk to you for hours on end. I remember the time we talked for 10 hours straight over skype nonstop. oh my god you are just perfect ok? dont forget that. Kouhai will never leave your side because you are just super important and i will always be there for you in any time or need. Im really excited when i can finally visit you and tackle the shit out of you. i'll probably break your back doing so- but tough shit sherlock. you'll deal. you fucking love me.\D
Also because i cant thank you enough for being there for me- i kn ow i say this a lot- but i love you ok? you are my senpai, my best friend, and my brother. I dont know how i would feel if you weren't in my life,and i honestly dont think the thought could sit well with me- you are just someone i hold close to my heart, and i know that we will be best herd mates for a long long times, Horsey. Goathai out friend. I'll message you when you get back on <3
I met some other awesome people like
and many other beautiful peeps.
ever since then, i have been joining more and more rp groups, and my art has gotten lots and lots more better- I will admit. even though the self hate wont quit \D so i will always think i can get better- but yes, i agree, i have come far.
While being in a rp group type of situation, i joined more things from
and many more- one i do want to bring up is
. I have met some chill ass peeps in this group, and one of them is the lovely
- MOON BABS- I LOVE U FRIEND OK AY U ARE IMPORTANT BECAUSE WE ARE JUST REALLY GOOD FRIENDS AND THERE IS IMPORTANCE BETWEEN US- dont u un derstand u adorable fucker- But seriously. you are really fun and i enjoy talking to you about....stuff between you know who. //shifty eyes//--- BUT YES- stay with me for a while ok? i love having you around q v q Whats up now??
now that realize, this ended up a lot more like a feelings/people who are important to me post- FUCK IT. ITS MY STORY KISS MY ASS HUEHUE
no- but uh, im actually really happy right now. I really couldnt ask for anything more. Im keeping my friends close to me, and drawing to my hearts content! I have some trouble with school- but when do i not? LOL.
The people i talk with fucking bring me joy or make me want to kill them- lets just be honest u guys.
end of story.
But before i end this-
i want to bring up someone who has really helped me cheer up lately.
Ur just the best o k ay? ? ? ? ? ?
i know we talk a bunch ov er skype, but i feel like it s aneeded necessity to kind of write it out all right here so that you arent just the only one seeing this.
I love talking to you- you are funny, have a great personality, and i new the moment that we rp'd colton and gideon that one day, that we would be great fucking friends. We talked nonsense about them, and even fucking planned things between them- but, in all honesty, it was when i really realized that we had created a friendship between colton and gideon- we had created a relationship just from these two fucking idiots talking about nonsense. there wasn't just stuff from rping there- there was an actual feeling. a real frienship grew just from a couple posts....kind of funny right?
And when it became almost an every day thing to talk to you, it would always bring a smile to my face to see yu message something silly or the fact YOU FUCKING HURT YOURSELF IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER YOU FUCKING DAREDEVIL JESUS DICK. But no seriously- please be much much more careful i fucking worry for your face. i dont need my precious bae all banged up before i can get there- nono jkjk im so bad ahahaha
But i love you with all my heart, and i know we will be together for a long time, and i hope it will stay as great as it is now. Even in the rough times, i know we'll make it through everything and continue to be just as much in love as before. Hoping for the day i'll be able to kiss your beautiful face and hold you in my arms will be the best day of my life.
I love you forever my lovely bae <3